Let’s Talk For Real: Love and Abuse Don’t Mix!

Teenagers and Domestic Violence

According to a 2008 study commissioned by Liz Claiborne and www.loveisrespect.org only half of the tweens and teens who are experiencing violence in their dating relationships recognize the warning signs. Those who say they are in love find it difficult to identify controlling, intimidating behaviors as abusive until it turns violent. Studies show that over 20% of girls between 16-19 years’ old were killed by their dating partners. 

Abuse is a cunning, divisive, demeaning and degrading ‘spirit’. Without prayer, counseling and swift actions can also be a dream killer. Agencies in the domestic violence field, police officers and prosecutors believe the verbal communication and violent interactions apparently treated as the norm in many school playgrounds, rap songs, movies and television series are at the beginning of a spectrum of abuse. 

Being in these type of relationships can put you at more risk of becoming involved in other unhealthy relationships if the signs are not identifiable such as, alcohol use; behavior problems; abuse of animals; and strained relationship with parents just to name a few.

I interviewed a 3rd generation survivor of domestic abuse who witnessed the trauma with her grandmother, her mother, and now her daughter; says although she’s discussed the abuse of her ex-husband with her children on multiple occasions, as she attempts to intervene in her daughter’s situation, her daughter says her abuse ‘only happened once’. When the mother suggests she seek help, the implication was those services are for ‘older people’. Her daughter, like so many teens have the misconception that ‘abuse’ and everything that goes with it, such as support group sessions, crisis intervention, safety planning, etc., are ‘adult issues’ only. However, domestic violence crosses all boundaries and doesn’t matter whether you are rich or poor; black or white; educated or not educated; young or old, it is an epidemic designed to strip you of your self-esteem, your self-worth; your self-identity and possibly your life!

What about the girl whose ex-boyfriend spreads rumors about her around school, as a result she is harassed and ostracized from others? This is emotional abuse. Love and Abuse Don’t Mix! What about the teen whose ex now calls her whore, stupid, idiot among other names? This is verbal abuse. Love and Abuse Don’t Mix! What about the girl whose boyfriend takes her money to “monitor’ it and decides when and how she spends it? This is financial abuse. Love and Abuse Don’t Mix! What about the person being forced to have sex or perform different sex acts against their will? This is sexual abuse; also called rape. Love and Abuse Don’t Mix! Abuse can trigger other issues, such as eating disorders, alcoholism, drug abuse, behavior problems, depression and suicidal tendencies to name a few. However, studies report that just 33% of teenagers experiencing dating violence ever tell anyone about it. 

1 Corinthians 13:3-7 (NIV) says Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

There are fears that many people who are in abusive situations are falling through a gap with references to domestic violence services and whether there is adequate help available. Violence is never acceptable! If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, resources are available.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233; Teen Dating Hotline 1-800-799-7233; JADASA www.jadasa.org; 314-269-0100 or toll free 1-800-292-2145.

Cynthia R. Bennett is an evangelist, founder/CEO of JADASA, a 501(c) 3 community-based agency for domestic and sexual assault survivors.